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Kepada Tuhan: Dari HambaMu yang Rindu dan Ingin Kembali Dekat

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ArenaWanita.com – Hey G! Yeah, bolehkah saya menyebutmu G? Akronim dari “God”, pastinya. Terakhir saya sedang mencari langkah supaya kau kembali merasa akrab. Telah lama berasa kita tak akan demikian dekat.

Bagaimana perasaanMu, G? Apakah kau jengkel padaku yang kerap datang-pergi sesuka hati? Atau kau terasa saya seperti pasangan matre yang tidak datang sekali lagi selepas kepentingan tercukupi?

Kepada Tuhan Dari HambaMu yang Rindu dan Ingin Kembali Dekat

Sesudah jeda yang cukup panjang, bolehkah misalnya hari ini kita duduk bersisian? Kita selesaikan kerinduan, kita berikan narasi yang sampai kini terpendam di halaman belakang. Hari ini, saya pulang padaMu. Mudah-mudahan Kau rela buka pintu, buat satu diantara Hamba bandelMu.

G, memang kau tidak gantinya kawan lama. Kau menyadari semua rahasiaku hingga ke susunan terdalamnya

Aku masih tetap ingat bagaimana sampai 15 th. lantas Kau-lah yang senantiasa pertama tahu semua hasrat serta rahasiaku. PadaMulah kuminta kebolehan buat belajar hingga malam, buat dapat di terima di SMP yang kuinginkan. PadaMu sempat juga kupanjatkan doa diam-diam, agar pria yang kutaksir membalas perhatian.

Hai Tuhan, hai kawan lama

Kita berjumpa di ujung-ujung malam. KakiMu tidak sempat lupa kukecup sebelumnya pagi mendekati. Kadang-kadang permintaan tulusku disisipi tangisan — sebab cuma padaMu saya terasa bebas membuktikan kekurangan.
Saat itu, saya senantiasa yakin kalau Kau mendengar. Selama saya memohon dengan gigih, semua permintaan pastinya dapat Kau kabulkan.

Dari seluruh entitas didunia Kau pernah jadi yang merasa paling dapat dipegang janjiNya.

Hingga moment perubahan itu tiba….

Bersamaan usia yang makin dewasa, sudah kucoba banyak segi yang di tawarkan dunia. Serta kuyakin, Kau juga ikut ambillah andil dalam mengatur arah kompasnya

Kau tempatkanku di kampus tempatku mesti belajar buat jadi lebih dewasa. Disana kutemui kawan-kawan yang prestasinya buat silau mata. Dihadapan mereka saya terasa belum juga jadi apa-apa misalnya tidak belajar keras pada malam terlebih dulu.

Kau pertemukan saya dengan staf pengajar yang tidak cuma suportif, tapi juga menantangku keluar dari cangkang kenyamanan. Aku pergi ke sebagian benua, menjumpai beberapa orang baik yang mau kusebut kawan selama-lamanya.
Perlahan-lahan tapi pastinya, Kau mengajarkanku buat bertanggungjawab pada pilihan yang telah kuambil sendiri.

Kutahu Kau tidak setuju melihatku merajut cinta sebelumnya saatnya. Tapi Kau tidak mengambil keputusan seenaknya : Kau biarlah saya jatuh hati pada seorang yang salah. Dari balik monitor Kau jadi saksi mata bagaimana kami berpisah.
Pada masa-masa ini Kau mulai tidak sering kujumpai. Aku terasa bisa hadapi semuanya diatas kaki sendiri.

Tapi tidak seutuhnya saya pergi : saat menginginkan mencapai mimpi, takut 1/2 mati, serta tengah patah hati — Kau mau menemukanku kembali didalam rumahMu. Beralih jadi hamba manis yang dahulu demikian memercayaiMu.

Kau butuh tahu satu kenyataan terkait yang kurasa kala meninggalkanMu. Bukannya saya tidak rindu, saya cuma terlampau…. malu

Saat aku meninggalkanmu, bukannya aku tak rindu….

Hidup selalu bergulir. Kebaikan serta kekeliruan datang silih bertukar. Tapi kesempatan ini saya terasa bukanlah jadi hamba manisMu yang dahulu sekali lagi.

Dulu, walau nakal serta jalan serong ke kanan-kiri sekiranya saya tahu batasan yang tidak bisa dilanggar sendiri. Tetapi tidak dengan kesempatan ini. Kubiarkan diriku terjun bebas tanpa ada pengaman di segi.

Jujur saja, saya terasa tidak berhasil menjadi manusia. Hati serta karier yang kubangun sulit payah porak poranda. Nama baik serta citra yang kujaga juga telah dibuang ke luar jendela. Apalagi yang kupunya?

Mulai kala itu, saya pilih jadi nomaden sesaat. Kutinggalkan diriMu, Tuhan baik yang sampai kini sabar mendengar semua narasi. Semua agenda pertemuan denganMu kuhindari.
Jangankan berjumpa — mengatakan namaMu saja saya tidak ingin.

Bukannya saya tidak rindu, G. Tidak cuman sekali-dua kali saya bangun di larut malam lantas terasa kosong juga tidak tenang. Hidupku selalu jalan, tapi saat ini tidak ada sekali lagi kendali yang dapat dihandalkan.

Aku tidak tahu mesti ajukan pertanyaan ke siapa tiap-tiap kebimbangan menempa. Kebolehanku juga seperti aki yang terlambat di isi — tidak dapat dihandalkan sekali lagi. Sebab saat ini tidak ada sekali lagi Kau yang dapat kumintai cadangan daya.

Beberapa orang di sekitar katakan saya mesti banyak berdoa supaya hati kerasku dapat lunak sekali lagi. Aku cuma mengangguk, tersenyum kecil, lantas berlalu. Apa yang mereka ketahui? Aku tidak membenciMu, G. Benar-benar, misalnya bisa jujur saya bahkan juga rindu. Cuma saja, saya malu juga tidak tahu.

Jika saya kembali, maukah Kau menerimaku? Hamba yang dahulu manis tapi saat ini telah penuh luka serta lebam biru?

Jika menilik sekali lagi ke belakang, benar-benar saya menginginkan mengikik sekarang ini. Sebab saat ini kusadari. Walau tidak kudatangi, sedikitpun Kau tidak sempat pergi

Meskipun saya makin tidak sering menyapaMu, nyatanya Kau tidak demikian saja melepaskanku dari awasnya mataMu. Kau memanglah miliki hati yang besar serta penuh kasih, G.

Kau mengetuk hatiku lewat panorama kawan yang bersujud dimuka mata, saat jeda pada saat makan siang serta jam kerja. Kau titipkan panggilanMu lewat pesan singkat Ibuku yang ajukan pertanyaan apa saya telah mencumbuiMu di Hari Minggu.

Kau membongkar kekeliruanku dimuka beberapa orang paling dekat, agar mereka selekasnya mengingatkan serta mendekat. Tanganmu yang dahulu kukecup sehari-hari saat ini bertukar jadi lengan keluarga serta kawan dekat yang senantiasa mengikuti.

Mereka yang tetaplah keras kepala bertahan di samping diri yang tengah brengsek-brengseknya ini. Sesaat yang beda pergi.

Baru saat ini kusadari, seluruhnya tidak kemungkinan berjalan misalnya bukanlah Kau yang ambillah kendali. Kau besarkan hati mereka, kau kuatkan kepercayaan mereka atas perubahanku yang pastinya tiba.

Saat saya sangat angkuh buat datang serta menegur, Kau ikhlas bermain peranan — menyelinap dalam hati serta uluran tangan beberapa orang terkasih. Sedetikpun, sebenarnya kau tidak sempat membiarkanku tidak miliki daya. Kau, lewat bermacam langkah, senantiasa ada.

Sebagai yang paling murah hati, kuyakin Kau pastinya mengampuni. Aku tidak dapat banyak berjanji. Tapi kesempatan ini biarlah saya berupaya jadi hambaMu yang tambah baik, dengan caraku sendiri

Aku tahu waktuMu tidak banyak, G. Banyak narasi serta permasalahan dari hambaMu yang beda yang menanti buat didengarkan. Di sisa saat kita yang singkat ini, saya menginginkan memandang mataMu lama serta bertumpu di bahuMu. Kesempatan ini izinkan saya kembali bermanja padaMu seperti versus hamba manisMu yang dahulu.

Aku tidak mendambakan beberapa hal, G. Sesudah perjalanan panjang ini, mulai detik ini malah saya menginginkan belajar tambah banyak diam serta mendengar.

Akan kuganti permintaan, “Tuhan tolong saya ingin…” dengan “Tuhan, tolong tentukan yang paling baik untukku. ”

Pelan-pelan mau kuperbanyak benih-benih kebaikan. Agar hati ini lebih sensitif mendengar bisikan panduan yang Kau sisipkan lewat udara yang menguar di kiri-kanan.

Sesal tidak mau membuatku sekali lagi jadi pesakitan. Sebab mulai sekarang ini saya mau buka mata serta telinga buat seluruh peringatan.

Aku tidak berani berjanji mau jadi tamu teratur di shalat 5 saat, beribadah Minggu, atau sujud panjang di larut malam, G. Kadang-kadang Kau masih tetap mau menemukanku sedikit nakal — pacaran di belakang, melakukan kecup serta peluk singkat dengan orang yang disayang sebelumnya pernikahan, hingga menenggak larutan peringan otak bersama-sama kawan di akhir minggu.

Tapi sesudah seluruh yang kita lakoni, saya cuma ingin kau tahu kalau saat ini saya tidak mau sekali lagi pergi tanpa ada permisi. Permainan petak umpet serta missing in action ini mau kusudahi. Kupastikan Kau tidak sekali lagi mesti sibuk mencari, juga sulit payah menyelusup lewat beberapa orang paling dekat yang kau biarlah berada di segi.

Saat ini giliranku berupaya mendekatiMu, merayuMu kembali datang dengan caraku sendiri. Sebab kuyakin Kau tidak sempat ingkar janji. Langkahku mendatangiMu mau Kau balas dengan depa kaki. Jika kudatangi Kau sembari jalan, Kau mau mendatangiku sambil lari.

Hamba mohon, menjadikan kesadaran ini tumpuan. Untuk perjalanan yang nantinya lebih ikuti marka jalan.

Terima kasih G, buat monolog dua arah yang sangat menyejukkan. Waktunya mundur, di belakangku ada segerombol sharing beda yang minta didengarkan.

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